Dear Elijah,
Congratulations on your recent victory over Baal’s prophets. You must be feeling very pleased with yourself.
I, however, am less pleased. Why, you ask? Because of your gross misconduct during that contest (I trust you know what I’m referring to).
Why would you act against God by mocking Baal? You know very well that mockery has no place among servants of God; you know that God doesn’t want us to use such foul speech (and, I’m referring here to just the mockery, not your potty-mouthed bathroom humor), yet you persisted in your juvenility regardless.
Please don’t think I’m upset with you. This is nothing personal. We all make mistakes from time to time and I simply feel it is my duty as a god-fearing woman to let you know when you have gone too far; after all, younger men like yourself are more prone to sin than mature believers like myself.
When you return from your time away I will be sure to make a pleasant offering on your behalf.
Yours in Him,
Mildred