A passive-aggressive letter to Eve from an elderly church lady
My Dear Eve,
You must know how fond I’ve always been of you (young women ever remind me of my own adolescent delicacy); however, I admit I have cause for some concern.
Three concerns, to be precise.
First, I must inquire as to why you think it’s appropriate to parade about your garden au natural? Certainly God has gifted you with a lovely figure (I, also, am similarly blessed), but that is no excuse for your lack of modesty. Have you no shame?
Second, having watched Adam during his many days at “work” (playing with animals, no less) I should suggest you find a more suitable mate. He is no match for you – grubby and unkempt – and you would be wise to look elsewhere for a husband.
Finally, I must strongly object to your current dietary preferences. Despite the increasing demands of our world for ladies to look thin and pretty, you simply cannot get the proper proportions to your figure without some adjustments.
Quickly, then, here are my recommendations for how you ought to proceed in a life of greater godliness:
Cover up (for Heaven’s sake). You never know who may be watching.
Go exploring. There are other parts of Eden you might enjoy – make friends
with some other male company (I know, this is always a tempting offer).
Oh – one more thing!
Please, eat more fruit.